God Inspired Her

My battle with depression is never ending. I go through days of melancholy. Just going through the motions. Nodding, smiling, trying to look like the people person people think I am on social media. That is me on the outside.

The outside looks good. The hair, makeup and lashes, nice clothes and shoes. For the last seventeen years always in the nail salon every two weeks making sure I look well maintained. Limited amount of sugar and alcohol. Exercising 4-5 days a week. It’s the outside that has always mattered to most. I always make sure I smile that radiant smile I always get complimented on. Smiles are contagious.

But that inside…..

The inside is so withdrawn. I have found myself not wanting to step a foot outside.

I don’t want to talk to anyone.

I don’t want to go to work.

I don’t want to get dressed.

No makeup.

No lashes.

Just sit here and cry. Be by myself. In silence.

Why go outside of these walls and keep experiencing pain? Listen to all the lies men tell me. The family that treats me like the black sheep.

I would rather lie in my bed with a good book. Or sit in my living room and watch a movie by myself. Psychologists call it isolation. However, I sometimes feel isolation is protection. Protection against lies, betrayal, and heart ache. If you can’t get to me, you can’t hurt me.

As I go through my valleys dealing with my diagnosis of major depression, one thing I continue to do is exercise. Besides reading the Bible and prayer; exercise helps keeps me somewhat balanced. To lace up my shoes and go for a run clears my head. Just me, the pavement, a podcast or music; let’s me for an hour be free. Makes me feel refreshed and ready to try to conquer another day.

I have learned that God is truly with me. Even though I struggle every day with depression, His hand has never left me.

Psalm 34:18: 

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

God draws near to us at our lowest

Unlike people who may turn away when we are struggling, God moves toward us. God is not distant or passive in our suffering; He is actively with us.

When our hearts are broken — whether from loss, betrayal, disappointment, or deep grief — God’s presence becomes a healing refuge. His nearness isn’t always something we feel emotionally, but it is something we can trust spiritually.

So, as I sit here in my robe on a Monday morning and type out this blog. I will next pray that God continues to be my light and refuge. That I seek Him to guide me and keep me in the land of the living. I know His promises will never be broken. And for this reason I will hang on a little bit longer.

Janice